Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 346

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

Look, it's 5 in the morning, it's just a paragraph, it will not print out, there's something, some bastard! Oh oh, there's an on-switch on the printer?

It's not so much knowing when to speak, when to pause.

(eating out in restaurants before he was famous) <br /> "I'll just have a napkin and a breadstick"

Guys play characters that won't grow up and something catastrophic happens and they have to grow up to save the day - that's pretty much what today's comedy is about.

I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.

You gotta improvise in life. You gotta improv if the police pull you over.

Do you think Patrick Swayze now goes up behind people in pottery classes and hugs them just to crack up other ghosts?

I hate the term 'partner.' 'Yes, we're partners... This is my life partner, Teddy.' Jacoby & Meyers are partners. Ben & Jerry are partners. Bausch + Lomb are partners. You and Teddy are fuck-buddies.

I feel good. I'm much better. Actually, I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called the flu. Has anyone tried that one out?

They called me mad... But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

I am now half Asian. I have learned all the ancient teachings of Buddi.

I'm glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, "My God! I love everything." Yeah, now if that isn't a hazard to our country … how are we gonna justify arms dealing when we realize that we're all one?

At school, the first page I ever learnt in French was full of things that are quite difficult to get into conversation, thinks like "The mouse is underneath the table" – "La souris est en dessous la table". Just slip that when you’re buying a ticket to Paris: "Le train à Paris, oui? C’est ici? C’est maintenant? Cinq minutes… la souris est en dessous la table…"