Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 347
I am in the Master of Professional Writing program teaching Humor Writing, Literary and Dramatic.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.
I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.
The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.
A sports bar is a way to take a bar and fill it with even more annoying people than usual.
I don’t like people who drink decaf coffee it’s like what. Why you drinking it? Like it taste so good? That’s like drinking non alcoholic vodka.
When we spoke, he told me, 'The Newsweek thing has changed the world.' And I said, 'Wasn't it 9/11 that changed the world?' But Michael said he just didn't want to take a chance.
People say "history was written by the winners." No, it wasn't. It was written by the bullies.
This year Heidi Fleiss will be opening the Stud Farm, her all-male brothel outside of Las Vegas. This is for women to find men. If you’re a guy looking for a guy, you still have to find it at the airport bathroom.
He’s just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he’s drunk. If he likes you, he’ll want to see you when his judgment isn’t impaired.
I'd like to have a kid, and I'd like to be driving around. I know a kid is going to be a big part of my life. I can trust my kid. I know my kid would be in the backseat of my car, and when I say "You wanna get some ice-cream?" he's going to be happy. My brother has kids. I see that trick work, the ice cream trick.
You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler...