Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 347
This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.
A girl's legs are her best friends... but even the best of friends must part.
You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.
When people didn't know me and I was doing stand-up. That's when I was most creative.
In America, if we're speaking truth, women are called bitches. I seek next Mother's Day a march of one million American bitches who can get the job done, the job of getting the food to the hungry and thereby saving our rich American friends and neighbors from going straight to hell and burning there for all of eternity.
You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.
The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is.
The Puerto Rican doctor, who wrote all his prescriptions with spray paint. Never got a dinner!
I was kicked out of school because of my attitude. I was not assimilating. So I went to work, taking any jobs I could get.
You're finally old enough to go trick or treating by yourself, and then they gotta give you that talk. 'Alright, son, just go door to door and get the candy, that's all you gotta do. Just go get the candy. Knock on the door, go to the next house, get more candy, and it's all yours. Get to keep it all. Have fun, get lots of candy. Oh yeah, one more thing I forgot to tell you, son - be careful 'cause the candy might have razor blades in it.' Oh my God, what a horrible thing to tell an 18-year-old...
Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.
My comedy is different every time I do it. I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.