Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 345

I had to have a brace because I had big teeth. If I’d gone to Africa I would have got poached.

My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

I don’t think a man who is fifteen years younger than me should tell me he is proud of me unless he is my sober coach or my time-travel dad.

I admire these phone hackers. I think they have a lot of patience. I can’t even be bothered to check my own voicemails.

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is ''what should be.'' Now, if you're taught to live up to a ''what should be'' that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this ''should be'' - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!

Last week I told my wife, "If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef." She said, "If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer."

You don't really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you're broke or homeless - or if you're broke and driving the cab.

Hawaii is the best form of comfort for me. When I die, I want to be cremated, and I want half my ashes spread in the Pacific around the island, the rest on the property.

The Spanish Inquisition wouldn’t have worked with Church of England. “Talk! Will you talk!” “But it hurts!” “Well, loosen it up a bit, will you? Fine…”

I had a great Christmas. I received a lot of presents I can’t wait to exchange.

But look at the people who use [their potential] — who do actually give it everything... The Beckhams or Roy Keanes of this world. People charging! Running up and down the field, swearing and shouting at each other. Are they happy? No! They're destroying themselves! Who's happy? You! The fat fucks watching them, with a beer can balanced on your ninth belly, roaring advice at the best athletes in the world. "YOU WANKER!"

I was never a Certified Public Accountant. I just had a degree in accounting. It would require passing a test, which I would not have been able to do.