Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 375
I think in twenty years I’ll be looked at like Bob Hope. Doing those president jokes and golf shit. It scares me.
You have options when it comes to abortion now. It's not like 1955 when you just had to kick her down a staircase and hope for the best.
Just as I was about to get into my donuts, the cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."
To me, the most important thing in this age is just to let people be.
Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of "Easy Fit" jeans.
Very neat for a boy; always cleaned up his mess, no matter where he got it on me. He's Hispanic, so he's like, 'Now who's the wetback?' I'm like, 'Hey, still you. Get back in the kitchen, those dishes aren't going to do themselves.'
People are their most beautiful when they are laughing, crying, dancing, playing, telling the truth, and being chased in a fun way.
Obviously, at this age, I've lost people in my life. But with a parent, it's just different. I was very attached to my father and had this naive little-girl notion that he'd always be around. So I'm finding acceptance of my father's death is the hardest thing to accept.
In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.
Rock Against Drugs, what a name. Somebody was high when they came up with that title. It's like Christians Against Christ. Rock created drugs.
I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.
We needed a refrigerator for our new place and I've never bought a refrigerator my whole life. I went into the appliance store, there's like 900 of 'em lined up, there's a salesman there. What's this guy supposed to say about refrigerators? "Well you got this refrigerator here, this keeps all your food cold for 600... You've got this refrigerator, this keeps all your food cold for 800... Check this out, 1400, keeps all your food cold."
I wrote an article on a new Porsche for 'Automobile Magazine.' I knew the editor, and she asked me to write this article. So I'm more proud of that than anything.