Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 375

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Those that say their glasses are half-full are considered optimists. Yeah, but shouldn't we be more specific about the contents of the glass? If it's a glass of shit, I'm going half-empty. I don't like shit as an optimist. "Yeah, we gotta half-empty shit glass right here."

Quasimodo was running down the street chased by a group of kids. He said, ‘For the last time, I haven’t got your football.’

This country is a big bloated celebrity that thinks it doesn't have to pay the cover charge.

Oh yeah jerking off is like an aerobic thing for me now man, I'm 40, I do it everyday, I do it everyday. Hell, I've even gone beyond porno, I'm back to regular network TV.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I once saw my grandparents have sex, and that’s why I don’t eat raisins.

Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Gay men, if they've been straight and turn gay, they're gay, honey.

Revenge is for the weak so I have settled my vendettas with all of the kids who made my early life a living hell.

I got my start in silent radio.

Aristotle said, "Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies." Isn't that a three-way?

When every high school graduate can spell the word, 'inauguration,' let's put lampshades on our heads and listen to his speeches until Obama's voice gives out.

I was driving back from Delaware to New York. Don't bother.

I will always love to perform standup comedy.