Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376
You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.
Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
Funny is not a color. Being black is only good from the time you get from the curtain to the microphone.
When you're collaborating with somebody who's got a lot of stuff they haven't worked out yet, you're working out their vision as well.
I talk to a lot of librarians, and there's always a steady drumbeat of how libraries are places of community. But a lot of them have also recently - and just in the nick of time - refurbished, because during this economic downturn, people have a tendency to borrow instead of buy.
I was born in Alabama, but I only lived there for a month before I'd done everything there was to do.
On Valentine’s Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.
They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They're always having picnics. There's always a tree, a pond... Who are these people? I don't know them. I don't want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? "Here's another couple having a better relationship than us."
I don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are "ruining the sanctity of marriage," it's celebrities.
And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.
I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.
I started a grease fire at McDonald's - threw a match in the cook's hair.