Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 376

Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.

I mean, I look at my dad. He was twenty when he started having a family, and he was always the coolest dad. He did everything for his kids, and he never made us feel like he was pressured. I know that it must be a great feeling to be a guy like that.

Never let the truth get in the way of a good story.

I'll never forget the day my mum said "Carl when I was your age I used to go to the movies with a bottle of water and some Sayo's." I was thinking "Shit. Mum's a loser." Imagine trying to crack onto someone at the movies. "G'day darl. Got a packet of Sayo's. Wash it down with a bottle of water."

You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."

Jesus is a powerful guy in Hollywood. Not quite as powerful as Vin Diesel, but powerful.

And we love to dance, especially that new one called the Civil War Twist. The Northern part of you stands still while the Southern part tries to secede.

Premature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

Life is a near-death experience.

President Bush never really has to answer a question. Nobody ever says to him, "With due respect, sir, your answer had absolutely nothing to do with the question I asked."

I did stand-up my whole career, and Vince didn't, and it's a little frustrating when he's funnier than me, and that bothers me a little bit.

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

I flew out here on Southwest Airlines. Southwest has a plane that's painted like Shamu the whale from Sea World. Yeah, that'll be easy to find if that went down in the ocean. That'll be nice, when you're trying to get out and a real whale's humping your window.

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

My wife has a black belt in shopping.