Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 374

You know those people who let their yawn out and they keep talkin'. "Yeah Tuesday would be pretty good (continues talking while yawning)" "Yeah no worries."

The first case of mad cow disease since 2006 was discovered right here in the United States. The good news, since the cow is in California, instead of putting the cow down, they are going to enroll him in anger management classes.

So it seems that because of every syndrome and disorder we've invented in the past twenty years, the Los Angeles Times reported that 63% of American families are now considered dysfunctional. My God! That means we're the majority. We're normal! It's the people who have the mommy, the daddy, the brother, the sister, the little white picket fence - those people are the freaks, man!

When I first got into this biz called show, I decided I was going to change my name, make it more Hollywood. And you know how you do that? You take your middle name and the first street that you ever lived on. So when I first started, I actually went by Sue Rural Route 2.

It’s the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

The odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one, and against two bombs a million times a million to one. Next time you fly, cut the odds and take a bomb.

Life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The thing everyone should realize is that the key to happiness is being happy by yourself and for yourself. Happiness comes from within. You have the power to change your own mindset so that all the negative, horrible thoughts that try to invade your psyche are replaced with happy, positive, wonderful thoughts.

Writing jokes for others is like having babies for someone else. It’s sad. Like the woman who gives up her baby but needs to be close so she secretly becomes the maid in the household.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

By now they had mastered my own language, but they still made simple mistakes, like using "hermeneutics", when they meant "heuristic".

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.

Remember chin-up bars in elementary school? Yeah, so do I. Fourth grade, me and my buddy got this idea, we would run our Stingray bikes through the chin-up bar, when we got to the bar, we would the grab the bar and let our bikes go and just swing there. ‘Cause we’re idiots. One day we were out on the playground, it had been raining. We didn’t think metal got slick when it got wet. Never had cause to think that thought. We’re straddling our bikes, trying to look cool, and I see these two little fifth grade girls by the swings. I turned to my buddy and said, “Hey man, older women.” “I’ll go first.” Boy, I spun that knobby tire in the mud, I’m flying towards that chin-up bar, the banana seat’s getting hot just from the wind blowing by it! I grabbed that wet pole, I let that bike go, my full wait hit the chin-up bar, I went, “Thunk!” Knocked out cold on the ground. My friend flips out. He runs across the street to my house where my mom’s in bed sick with the flu, runs into her bedroom and screams, “Bill’s dead!” About the time I came too, I saw a woman in her nightgown and panties run at me going, “Waaaaaa!” Boy I wish I had died!