Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 374
The question is, ‘how bad at sports were you as a kid?’ I grew up near where they film Jersey Shore. If you weren’t tan, muscular, and book-averse, you were a dork and a nerd and a geek and stuff. I remember being into Gary Larsen, Stephen Wright, Peter Sellers…
I don't think that comedians have a tradition of trashing the next generation.
I just got a new iPod. It’s got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
Some tips for life: 1. Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, unless your dreams are stupid. 2. Be kind to people. 3. Don't get too excited when you read the Fountainhead. 4. In times of recession, it is time for invention. 5. Things can kill you, so keep that in mind, you fearless know it alls.
If you're passionate about your work, it makes the people around you want to be involved too.
Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.
I sometimes throw in a couple of swears just to keep the Christian right off my tail. I wouldn’t want to be the tea party’s go-to comedian.
I'm sorry if my friends make a bad impression, but it's an accurate one.
My fondest childhood memory is I made out with my babysitter, Cathy. She stops in the middle of everything: "We have to stop this. I feel like such a whore." "Why? I'm not paying you - my parents are! Come here!"
Y'know, if those pews reclined and the priests gave the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.
Once you begin to believe there is help "out there," you will know it to be true.
You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies.