Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 383

To be good, you need to believe in what you're doing.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

I couldn't get away with Halloween pranks 'cause my parents owned the health food store. So, it was so easy to bust me. I was the only kid on the block egging houses with those big 'ole brown eggs. Like, you didn't have to be a detective to figure it out. 'Oh, I wonder who Tofuttied my mailbox. Is it the same evil genius who filled my bird bath with Rice Dream?'

I've done everything. Selling door-to-door fire extinguishers... In bars, I used to repair those machines that have 10 different buttons on them to spray club soda and seltzer.

In high school, when I played football I got no respect. I shared a locker with a mop.

You look mahvelous!

A man is only as faithful as his options.

There was Pope John if you remember, now there is Pope John Paul. The next Pope's gonna be John Paul George and we can see where they're going.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

I did bronze survival swimming. I could save people in a bronzey kind of way.

Do you do those secret farts at the supermarket. Quickly piss off to another aisle.

It proves that we're all from Africa, you see. Proved through the Y chromosome and through the mitochondrial DNA that we're all African, which is brilliant 'cause it means that racist people can retire.

Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

What I need is an Urban Thesaurus. I know what "money" is what I need is 600 different ways to say it.