Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 383
There's always something that's going to kill us all. A few years ago, tomatoes were going to kill us and a few years before that it was spinach. The FDA is run by a 7-year-old kid that hates vegetables!
It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.
I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.
All prayers are basically a request: "Please break the laws of the physical universe for my convenience. Amen."
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow that does it in rows.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Tina Fey is my comedy wife. I have known her for almost a double decade. We met each other when we were poor and single. Now we are both rich as shit and have husbands all over the world. People think of us as a ‘comedy team’ and I am not quick to correct them. Why wouldn’t I want to connect myself to the fiercest and most talented voice in the comedy world?
My family isn't really Italian. We're more like Olive Garden Italian.
A politician is a person skilled in the art of compromise. Usually an elected official who has compromised to get nominated, compromised to get elected, and compromised repeatedly to stay in office.
When you don't have love, it is like there's a party going on and everybody was invited except for you... and you just happen to walk by that house in the rain.
Remember that friend in High School, who wanted to make bongs out of everything? Making bongs out of apples and oranges and shit. One day you find your friend goin' "Hey look, man, I made a bong out of my head! Put the pot in this ear and suck it out of this one, go on take a hit!"