Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 383

True Yankees are born, not made.

Why are baseball managers the only coaches who dress up like the players?

I tend to go against the grain because when I start to see that everybody's trying to shock, I try not to. I just do stuff that's subtler, more emotional, and I think that shocks people.

Writers block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

We come into this world naked, covered in our own blood, screaming in terror - and it doesn't have to stop there if you know how to live right.

They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What’s his name? Patches? Patches what? That’'s a dog. Don’'t waste my time.”

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

My belief is, you know, certain things have to be explained that's never been explained.

Now that I have the opportunities to do a lot, I want to do less.

At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

In spite of the seven thousands books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and... mothers. Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it.