Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 392

I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

United Airlines: Passengers are our worst enemy. We're not too fond of luggage either.

What's your name again? That's right. I'm so glad you know your name.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

I am really enjoying the new Martin Luther King Jr stamp - just think about all those white bigots, licking the backside of a black man.

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

Sex when you’re married is like going to a 7-Eleven. There’s not as much variety, but at three in the morning, it’s always there.

Do you know how many times a week people ask me why I'm yelling?

My influences were Woody Allen and Lenny Bruce.

I mean, maybe one day we will live in a more optimum world where terrorists come in every color of the rainbow. But the truth is, now they don't. I mean, the people who are trying to get us are young Muslim men, period.

There are never enough I Love You's.

It’s gotten to the point where I think my friends would rather hang out with their own kids than hang out with me. And I’m like, "Alright, but where’s the loyalty, man. I’ve known you for twenty-five years. How long have you known your baby, like, a month?"

If you're going to dedicate your career to ranting about the excesses of American capitalism, you probably shouldn't weigh 450 pounds.

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.