Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 392

They have the greeting cards with the couples on the front. They photograph them. These hazy focus people. They're always having picnics. There's always a tree, a pond... Who are these people? I don't know them. I don't want them on my card either. What am I going to write inside there anyway? "Here's another couple having a better relationship than us."

Why go to France when you can smell the same people in coffee shops here in America.

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? An ironic way to die.

Its too hot for a penguin out here come here mister penguin.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

My mother was a professional sick person; she took a lot of pain pills. There are many people like that. It's just how they are used to getting attention. I always remember she's the daughter of alcoholics who'd leave her alone at Christmas time.

The hard part about living in the present is it forces you to abandon hope for the future. Thanks for nothing, now.

Love is a promise delivered already broken.

I feel like… I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a kids, but… I see rappers and I’m like, I know that’s fake. I know how much you make, this is all bullshit. But people are buying into it, and you shouldn’t have that power. I’m legit trying to make honest moves so that all of us can grow. I want to make a show where my sister can work on and become a producer because she can’t get in, no one’s leting her. I want to make things where people can actually grow. A place where people can actually be honest.

All right, bitch, you want to fight? We can fight then, you fat motherfucker, l'm tired of your shit!

For about two weeks after that, my wife and I would be sitting at the breakfast table and there would be two or three coyotes sitting watching the back yard. And you’d know the conversation went something like this: “Naw, hell no, don’t go in there, that little dog’s a setup.” “I ain’t lyin’, ask Joe what happened to him!”

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

We exhaust ourselves worrying about our health. We're obsessed with it. We worry about our health and when we worry about our health, guess what? We're not fucking healthy! We're so worried about our health that we are now the fattest group of fucks on the planet Earth! "Should I eat this or should I eat this? Well, I'll have to eat both!"

I'm gonna get one of those tracheotomies, so I can smoke two cigarettes at the same time! I'm gonna get nine tracheotomies, all around my neck, I'll be Tracheotomy Man! He can smoke a pack at a time, he's Tracheotomy Man!

You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance...