Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 391
While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.
If churches don't have to pay taxes, they also can't call the fire department when they catch fire. Sorry reverend, that's one of those services that goes along with paying in. I'll use the fire department I pay for. You can pray for rain.
George Bush says that gay people getting married would violate the sanctity of marriage. Is anybody here married? Does it feel like a gift from God to you?
The advice I would give to someone is to not take anyone's advice.
I loved when Bush came out and said, "We are losing the war against drugs." You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
I got mugged. And they got my knapsack with my comedy notebook in it. So if anybody see two cholos bombing at the Funny Bone chain, that would be them. Just give me a jingle.
Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.
At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.
I work for a few at home who are devoted. People who are up now. Either they have some sort of bladder problem or they're extremely drunk. This is my crowd, these are the people I hope to get.
You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.