Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 391

If people would just fuck right away and stop all the song and dance that goes with it, we could have colonies on Mars by now.

You got a cop under five feet tall, what if he's gotta plant evidence on a high shelf? What then? What if he's gotta chase a suspect onto a ride at Disneyland?

Fang had a terrible accident. He found a job.

Making people laugh is giving, and it's healing, too, when people can go up to the movies and forget about their problems. It's a good thing. That's why I want to work.

I was asked by a waitress, with a straight face she said "Would you care for an orange juice?". I said "If it needed me". "Is it going to be alright?"

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

Speaking of happy successes, after years of struggling to lose those few extra pounds every mother puts on during adoption, particularly when the doctor orders bed rest, in 2004 I sent my assistant to the Gap in dark glasses with a fake ID to purchase my first pair of "Easy Fit" jeans.

Besides if people really want to support the troops they would vote democrat.

I'm so disgusted by feeling disgusted I've decided to accept it.

I waited at the counter of a white restaurant for eleven years. When they finally integrated, they didn't have what I wanted.

I'm scared of slipping up, of just doing a joke that makes me laugh.

I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell, "Fore!" I was too busy yelling, "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him!"

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Roses are reddish, violets are bluish. If it weren't for Christmas, we'd all be Jewish.

It's just an easy catchall to describe a style because there are a lot of alternative comics who are completely different from each other.