Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 393
You know, radio DJ's must really love to talk to theirselves. Especially when they have the graveyard shift. 'Hey this is Ellen with 89.1. It is currently three in the morning. There are few cars on the road. And it your still listening heres a little music to get you to dance...
Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.
I'm always a big fan of if you approach somebody politely about something and you're not a nudge - you're just pretty honest and simple, my kind of philosophy is that I'm not afraid of 'no,' and that's way different than 'I won't take no for an answer.'
If you've dated a woman over five years and she wants a boob job... she ain't getting it for you. She is putting fresh meat on a new hook, that's all it is. She is trolling for idiot "B," because you have not lived up to her financial expectations. So she's gonna cast those double D's out into the dating pool.
Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"
Sometimes, to help the people you love, you've gotta commit a felony.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
Gotta love whitewater rafting. Ten of us are going. Eight will come back. Don’t forget to wear your toe tag. Sometimes the bodies don’t float down the river for a week or so.
I live in racist America and I'm uneducated, yet a lot of people love me and like what I do, and I can make a living from it. You can't do much better than that.
A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it’s income from a giant mouse.
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
Mama says that, alligators are onry cause they got all them teeth, but no toothbrush...
This stage, if it hasn't already, probably will see a production of the Vagina Monologues. Which I cannot wait to see, because it sounds so fabulously fucking stupid. Everybody knows that if female genitalia could speak, it would sound exactly like Enya.