Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 393

Believe it or not, I write on stage. I can't write anywhere else; I have to be in a moment. I also have to challenge myself to make something funny out of a premise. I never have my own jokes written. I have to change things as I go along, and I have to entertain myself.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Even when people are rich and successful on TV shows, there's always some trouble - you have to poke holes in them, throw them out of a job, put a pie in the face.

It's the hand job of cereals 'cause it's like, 'This is pretty good, but you know what I really want.'

I thought my girlfriend told me I was her soul mate, but what she said was 'cell mate.'

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

All traditions are stupid unless you came up with it yourself.

Once my mom caught me in bed with a chicken. Boy, was there egg on my face!

A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

My grandfather was a very insignificant man: at his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.

More people write poetry than read it.

I'm most proud of the blessings that God has bestowed upon me, in my life. He's given me the vision to truly see that you can fall down, but you can still get back up. Hopefully I'll learn from my mistakes and have the opportunity to strengthen and improve the next thing I do.