Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 400
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
She's so hot. I wanna tell her she's hot, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch.
This is so antiseptic. It`s empty. Why do you think this is funny? You`re going by audience reaction? This is an audience that`s raised on television, their standards have been systematically lowered over the years. These guys sit in front of their sets and the gamma rays eat the white cells of their brains out!
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, I don't think this was good for anybody.
I was over there in Hawaii. I was there on the big island. The 'Big Island' - that name cracks me up. First of all, it's not that big, so I'm pretty sure a guy came up with that name.
In general I believe in treating everybody nicely. I just think everybody doesn’t have to be an asshole. I just don’t understand why, because everybody wants to make it so badly when it comes to the fame and money, everybody turns to shit. I believe you can actually make money and be cool.
But some people want attention so bad they want you to see them angry at you.
I lost 20 pounds - actually, I lost 25 pounds, but then I gained 5 back because I was too skinny. I didn`t change what I ate, I just started eating smaller portions. And I cut out bread - that`s the real killer, because I was reaching in and eating half a loaf before dinner arrived. All you have to do is that, and then you can drink all you want.
I've got an accountant who's been with me forty years. If he makes a mistake, he dies.
If you’re able to build from your falls you’ll be unstoppable and damn near fearless. You see, every time you fall down and get back up, you add another piece of body armor to yourself. You learn what not to do, how to do better, and how to create comfort through practice.
When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California because I liked skateboarding.
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.
When you’re learning, sometimes you make mistakes that help you be successful. It can be, realizing, “Oh, I did this wrong” or “I wasn’t affiliated with the right people.” Those things make you better.
If I had my entire life to live over, I doubt if I’d have the strength.