Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 399
There are nine Supreme Court members and nine people on a baseball team. Coincidence? Yes.
Posting calorie counts on a menu is like a girl tattooing the number of STDs she has on her vagina. Everyone close enough to read those stats is already committed to that bad decision.
The foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.
Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!
I grew up in the suburbs. I’m an angry suburban nergo. I’m bad in, like, Starbucks. I’ll hurt you over a frappuccino.
I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.
My Gran said put a thimble on your finger and it helps you in case you slip with the needle and it goes up, into the brain, and death.
You listen to the world, you'll hear McDonald's say that eatin' there is like a symphony of taste. Yeah, my butt's the wind instrument and the fart's the whole note.
Regarding love… what can you say? It’s not the quantity of your sexual relations that counts. It’s the quality. On the other hand if the quantity drops below once every eight months, I would definitely look into it.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
You can buy liquor in a drive-thru store, but you can't smoke a joint in your own damn house.