Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 401

Ever wonder what people got Jesus for Christmas? It's like, "Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?"

Jews don’t daydream. ‘Cause folks are after them and they gotta stay sharp. They haven’t let their minds wander since Egypt.

When you're watching the news, how many days in a row can you watch that and feel good about yourself and the world?

Friends take up time, and I didn't have time.

Remember there is no way you can give the father custody of the children without getting a divorce.

Here's my problem. On Valentine's Day the flowers are wilting and so am I.

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

An elephant never forgets, so my dick remembers everything.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

My father walked to school, 4'oclock every morning. With no shoes on. Up a hill, both ways in 5 feet of snow, and he was thankful.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life...

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I mean, every audience for me is different. It's like jazz; you have to feel them out at the beginning and see what they're up to and see what their resistance is and their strengths are and then you just sort of go towards that.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.