Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 401
I think beating someone to death with a ukulele would just sound funny.
You do it because the doing of it is the thing. The doing is the thing. The talking and worrying and thinking is not the thing.
I think sometimes I should do more carousing, because I don't do much and maybe it would be fun occasionally. It's hard for me to have fun and I'm a serious thinker and a searcher and funny from the front.
When I saw the sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane."
You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.
It's a pleasure to play my sister because everything I've accused her of my whole life, I can now re-enact before her eyes.
Don't like when sports interviewers force answers: "Are you dedicating this game to your sick grandmother?" What's the guy supposed to say?
This is my life, man! You can’t tell me how to talk about my life. People come with that kind of arrogance like, “you need to be talking about this.” I say, “well you need to go listen to Christian comedy then.” It’s like listening to Christian rock, it just doesn’t count. You can either sing gospel or Catholic Church music, stay away from rock. You can’t rock a solo to Jesus, I’m sorry. No, I’m listening to Zeppelin dude.
Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
People think being in your seventies means sitting around in a chair with a blanket over your legs, drooling.
I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.