Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 401
Heard someone say "children are god's gift to the world". What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
How do you 'accidentally' shoot a nigga in the chest six times? 'Well, my gun fell and just went crazy!'
When white people eat potato chips, they're called white people. When black people eat potato chips, they're called niggas.
Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going? I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard… Some people slow down at those things… I don’t slow down. I speed up and set the high score.
I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.
The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.
It doesn't behoove us not to ask these questions. It makes us look like fools.
I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980's. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway.
I'll tell ya, in New York City, where I've lived far too long, 'fuck' isn't even a word, it's a comma.
Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
What's important is that you stay true to yourself. Because when you enter the real world, the most valuable thing you can bring is all your you-ness. The world doesn't need any more hot chicks or tough guys or smooth talkers - the world needs more you. And don't let anyone tell you otherwise.