Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 42
I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'
I was once on the phone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence. That’s like when your Gram would be ike, “We’d all go play jacks by the soda fountain.” And you’re like, “Nobody knows what you’re talking about, you idiot.”
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!
My son's an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.
The moon looks upon many night flowers; the night flowers see but one moon.
Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate guys that say "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs... You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh god, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. That girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was great!"
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
I just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that I've had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitz's play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.