Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 43
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...
My parents used to beat the living shit out of me, okay? And I'm glad they did, and I'm looking forward to beating the shit out of my kids!
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.
If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.
With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
It's hard to soar with the eagles when you're surrounded by turkeys.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.