Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 454
No, I don’t text her, "It was nice meeting you". I wait eight weeks and I text her, "What’s cracking?"
Somebody said they were going to bring an 11-year-old to my show tonight. I'm not gonna tone it down for no 11-year-old.
I pride myself on never using a cuss word on stage. Ever. I headline in Las Vegas every year, and this summer I am performing on an Alaskan cruise. Not too many comedians can pull that off. Funny thing is, my show doesn’t change for Vegas.
I actually performed at an orthodox Jewish wedding, where the men were separated from the women, but they both came together to not enjoy what I was talking about.
The subtext of every one of these beautiful poems is that it doesn't matter how big your cock is, it's what you do with it. Like the guy with the giant cock would have no clue.
There's this new device you can buy for your car and it's got a keyless device and you press it, it's got a heartbeat detector on it. So you aim it at your car, you press it, if it flashes that means someone is in your car and they're going to kill you, all right? It's not going to be good -- so you press it. If you want to buy it it's like $550. If you do not have that money you can do the old school route which is just look in the window.
My dogs love me. Of course, by "love" I mean "poop" and by "me" I mean "everywhere".
I learned early on that passion, stupidity and 80 ounces of cheap beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.
No touching… Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people’s fingers.
Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.
Why would you die for someone's sins? Your sins are the only thing interesting about you, you dreary, bleak motherfuckers.
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.