Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 453

I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.'

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

The average comedian is kind of an observer looking at everyday things that everyone could relate to and then trying to find the exaggeration in those things.

Ahhh, where is my face?! I lost so much face on that show, I don't even exist anymore!

I like video games, but they are very violent. I want to create a video game in which you have to help all the characters who have died in the other games. 'Hey, man, what are you playing?' 'Super Busy Hospital. Could you leave me alone? I'm performing surgery! This guy got shot in the head, like, 27 times!'

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.

Playing Xbox for 23 hours straight is cool and all, but I’m going to teach you how to spend time on things in your life that will get you the following two things: paid and laid.

Home is wherever I am. People make too big a deal about where you live. I try to be grounded in myself. Home is another way of saying 'a place where you keep all your stuff'.

Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!

It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and... go at them.