Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 455
You know how it is with writing. You just write what you want to write. There's no way to predict what is good or bad. You just do what you think is funny, and either it works or you're finished. It's impossible to predict anything.
Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.
Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun.
I think the metric by which television is considered liberal is literally based on the metric of liberalism in each person's soul. Peoples' senses of humor tend to go about as far as their ideology.
It's a life of five-card draw, and you know what? When God asked me - I'm fine with the card I got. I'm gonna play this.
I am fortunate to have had the opportunity to usher the program through its early stages of growth. For 10 years I have approached my responsibilities with pride and with passion. It has been a tremendous experience to work with our amazing student-athletes.
Unfortunately, the show's success comes at the expense of its biggest asset -- the comedians themselves.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that, I never even thought about killin' myself.
I have the same friends I had in high school. I'm married to the same woman I had. I'm still driving the same car I had when I dated her, although I got a few more. I come in here and I enjoy it. I enjoy being a voyeur to show business. I enjoy looking at it and being around it. But it doesn't become my life. I don't let it absorb me.
I've learned something on the road, traveling around: state shapes. The easier it is to draw the shape of the state, the harder it is to live in that state. So, if you live in a regular polygon, get the hell outta there. You gotta move to a squiggly area. Culture's attracted to squiggles.