Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 455
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
The man who accused Richard Simmons of slapping him in an airport has dropped the assault charge. Dropped it! Upon hearing the news, Simmons sadly responded, "You mean I'm not going to prison?"
You know when a relationship goes bad, man. You can tell when it goes bad when the sexual fantasies start getting all dark and everything. I was in this relationship, and he was like, 'Come on, come on - what's your fantasy?' And I was like, 'Well, I woke up, and you were dead.'
Doesn't matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California I have to go to prison don't I? I think you only get three.
If you don't believe in the living dead, how do your explain the Golf Channel?
Basically I am a low-culture person. I prefer watching baseball with a beer and some meatballs.
I asked my girlfriend if she ever had sex with a woman. She said no... Then she tried it... Now she's gone.
So my wife said she read this article in a magazine and she said: "You know, maybe you're suffering from premature ejaculation." Yeah, does it look like I'm suffering? Those aren't tears on your belly.
Republicans don't believe government works, and get into it to prove it will fail. Same with strippers and relationships.