Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 465
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
It's not even race; it's a certain type of person that gets 'Pootie Tang.'
I get the impression the English kings were witty, for some reason. I feel like all you had was your wit.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Liz Taylor is dead. I dont know why people are shocked… I thought she died years ago.
But I live an interesting life and I can tell a pretty good story and it has helped my career. But the downside is people know everything.
Why did the 14-year old Mexican girl end up pregnant? Because her teacher told her to go do an essay.
Do ten or fifteen minutes up front of likeable material and then go to your vile self.
You know what. I didn’t ask to be here... Sue my mother. She is the one who had the fucking goal to create life without it’s consent.
In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.
I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.
She's always bragging about the dumbest stuff. The other day she was telling me, she's like, 'You know I can still fit in my wedding dress.' I was like, 'Oh my god, who cares, right?' I mean it is weird that she's the same size now as she was when she was 8 months pregnant.