Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 466
My cousin had a baby and I was watching her breastfeed for a couple of bucks, and I'll tell you ladies: it's amazing.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
America is a bunch o' bullies. tell me what the Iraq uniform is like. Don't worry, I'll wait.
Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.
I'm street smart. You can't con me. But that's just from living in New York. Now if a guy came from Mississippi somewhere, Ohio somewhere, to New York City for the first time, he don't have the street smarts. You can take him.
At least drug dealers have some integrity. There is no integrity when it comes to entertainment.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and... go at them.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.
The jokes now, it’s just more stories and personal experiences. And just talking about things that really happened. It’s just becoming more comfortable as a performer, sharing my opinions on things, or things that’ve happened to me. That’s where it’s really going.