Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 473

If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.

In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent decision that you have to make, about every twenty minutes...you have to decide, immediately, you have to go "Ohmigod. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world?"

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

What is a stealth bomber? It's a bomber that doesn't show up on radar, and you can't see it. Then we don't need one.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

I use profanity because I like profanity, but I’m not vulgar. Big difference. I love profanity because I really think profanity is cool.

Alcohol ruined me financially and morally, broke my heart and the hearts of too many others. Even though it did this to me and it almost killed me and I haven't touched a drop of it in seventeen years, sometimes I wonder if I could get away with drinking some now. I totally subscribe to the notion that alcoholism is a mental illness because thinking like that is clearly insane.

I am the world's oldest teenager. I've never lost my youthful attitude.

I decided sitcoms weren't for me.

Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'

He has a great sense of humor - but it's in his assembly. It's really his craftsmanship that people overlook. It's not being fair to him just calling him outrageous.

Maybe they should name more drugs cute things. I don’t do meth, but maybe if they called meth ‘Stefanie’ I would!