Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 472
I had one kid with the birth control pill, I had one with the diaphram and I had one with the I.U.D. I don’t even know what happened with my I.U.D. It never came out. But I have my suspicions because that kid picks up HBO.
Many people feel that mass acceptance and smooth socialization are desirable life paths for a young adult... Many people are often wrong... Don't bother being nice. Being popular and well liked is not in your best interest. Let me be more clear; if you behave in a manner pleasing to most, then you are probably doing something wrong. The masses have never been arbiters of the sublime, and they often fail to recognize the truly great individual. Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
My husband is so useless that it’s hard for me to be romantic with him. I get down on the floor and say, "If you love me, blink your eyes."
The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
I read recently that 50% of American adults don't know who Madeleine Albright is. Can you believe that? She was so good on 'Murder, She Wrote.'
There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.
When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.
Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.
I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it’s wrong.
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".