Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
You know how screwed up censorship is, two girls just agreed to make out naked in front of their fathers, and we went "wait, don't curse".
Well, you can huff... and you can puff... and... oh my god! I'm making a pig joke out of myself!
Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.
Modern life. Where are we running? Sometimes what we want is not always where we are... Are we alone? Is the real winter inside our hearts? We are all struggling for definition in a world that resists our increase.
At my age, making love is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.
I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Do you have one really punky sequinned jump-suit, Bowie, or do you have several ch-ch-changes?
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.