Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 474
I have an obsession with books about kids with Asperger's syndrome.
There's a big difference between the National Book Awards and the Academy Awards. At the Academy Awards you can feel the greed and envy and ego. Whereas the National Book Awards are in New York.
When you're constantly looking for things from other people, you're not looking within yourself.
What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.
You don't want to go down to Alabama. It's primitive. Don't take your phone down there - ain't no AT&T, ain't no Sprint. They call each other the old fashioned way: they use pigeons.
I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.
You know that song that asks, "Why do fools fall in love?"? I think the obvious answer is because they're fools.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
What I never understand about a hangover is, where does the breath come from? You know what I mean? I mean, is someone shitting in your mouth?
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can't smell it. Can't eat it. Can't taste it. The end of the show they hold it up to the camera, "Well, here it is. You can't have any. Thanks for watching. Goodbye."
Well, you know the rule: The person who builds it gets to try it first, so my son was at school and I built the trampoline and start to go on it, my wife goes, "Hey, why don't you wait until he comes home?" I said, "Hey, why don't you hush... please?" Hey, I ain't that big an idiot, all right? So, I was jumping on the trampoline, and I was thinking, "Oh I remember this." Started doing seat drops and knee drops and then I got cocky. One thing I learned about a trampoline, if you don't land square, you go up at an angle. And you don't come down at that same angle, you go down at an equal and opposite angle. Yeah, I'm 20 feet in the air and NOW my high school geometry kicks in. I curled into the fetal position, banged against the rail. My wife's laughing so hard, she nearly peed herself. Two important things I learned that day. One, the springs will pull the hair off your legs, and two, the dog doesn't like to jump.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.