Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 497

You might be a redneck if your dog passes gas and you claim it.

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?

We battled well and it was an excellent win.

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

We can only comment on what we've seen, and what we've seen from the Chilean government is nothing at all.

Words matter. Especially ones with four letters.

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.

All my friends, all they do is drink and smoke - all they do, all day - but they're sensitive. Like after 9/11, they thought they was patriotic, you know. They telling me what their military strategy was gonna be the next day with a joint in they mouth. 'Yo son, we gonna knock them dudes out. That's my word, son.' I'm like, 'What dudes?' 'Them dudes from Assgan, son!'

Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'

When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr. Baseball. Because of the stitches.

Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.

Such a politically correct time. I used to do a lot of racial material, but then people would think I was a racist and I'm not - anymore.

My mama would say, “Y’all quit. Don’t make me stop this car.”<br /> “You’re not in the car, Mama. You’re in a hammock with a jelly glass of scotch in your hand.

You hear entertainers all the time, saying, 'If I couldn't get paid for this, I'd do it for free.' When's the last time you ever heard a business person say, 'If I couldn't get paid for being chairman of British Petroleum, I'd do it for free'?