Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 498
How can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance? "Hey baby lets dance... cya later!"
I know who wasn't black - I don't care what nobody say - Noah was not black. Noah and his family couldn't have been black 'cause there's no way no black family was on no boat for 40 days and 40 nights and didn't eat them two chickens.
You might be a redneck if you consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Every night, it’s a bakery on the bus. It’s a curse, because I talk about how much I love cake, people bring me cake. And now I just found out I’m diabetic, so I’m like, are you kidding me?!
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
We sat down and told stories that happened to us in our childhood, to our children. They were all basically based on the truth. These stories were funny and poignant to us. They just took off. These are all stories from my life.
Comedy's a tough job, man. I've got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, he's a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, 'Ooh, you should do porno!' Same girl sat on my lap and was like, 'Ooh, you should tell jokes!'
I have Glocks, .45s, Berettas, Remingtons. I like the marksmanship and the discipline that it takes to be a gun owner. I like the machinery. Being able to take it out and clean it is even more fascinating than having the gun.
I had a date with an inflatable girl. Now I got an inflatable guy looking for me.
Every man has to settle down eventually. You know why you gotta settle down eventually? Because you don't want to be the old guy in the club. You know what I'm talking about. Every club you go into, there's always some old guy. He ain't really old, just a little too old to be in the club.
As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?