Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 496

I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.

Cars and cameras are the two things I let myself be materialistic about. I don't care about other stuff.

That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

Competition is the death of art.

I'm glad I'm funny. I'm glad I make people happy, because that's very important. But I'm most proud to be known as a kind person... Because kindness spreads, and the world is a little nicer out there.

When I go to bed, I've got so much grease on my body, I wear snow chains to hold up my gown.

My grandmother used to discipline me, I mean, beat my ass, and I deserved them, too.

Look, anybody can tell a joke, so a lot of a comedian’s success is about energy and engagement. A real comic sells himself first and his joke second. So how do you do that? Get your swagger. Know what you’re doing. Be prepared. Be fresh. Be “on.”

I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.

I had no problem going into retirement mode, ... I do what other retired guys do. I putter around the house and travel.

According to an article on CNN.com, a new study says people who are bad kissers don’t get laid. Where are you supposed to learn how to kiss? If you go to Catholic school, it’s from your priest; in public school, you learn from your teacher; and some guys learn from their sisters... if their sister is Angelina Jolie.

I love my FedEx guy 'cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time.

After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me - I don't have a lifestyle.

'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.