Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 496

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you’re using it?

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

I think everything is fair game to a certain extent.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking babies.

If only someone would do for cows what Bambi did for deer. Cows have been in films, but they haven't starred. I'm still willing to eat a species that is only a supporting player.

You never think when you're a little girl that you're going to grow up and be the whore. When I was a little girl, I was like, "Oh my god, I'm gonna wait 'til I go to college to lose my virginity." I had all these big dreams. Then the third grade just ended up being such a nutty year.

Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'

I buy about $1,500 worth of papers every month. Not that I trust them. I'm looking for the crack in the fabric.

Is being earnest important? I always think it's kind of embarrassing.

You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.

I also smoke a lot of pot, occasionally, every day.

If I'm crisp and economical in my delivery, have smooth transitions, movement and animation, and flights of fancy, that would get me an A.

Somebody help me, I'm being spontaneous!