Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 509
Before I have masturbation, I say to myself, 'Break a leg.' While I masturbate, I actually fantasize that I'm somebody else. In fact, if I do it in different rooms, I actually feel that I'm cheating on myself - which is sad.
My parents got divorced. Early and ugly. My mum was nuts so I lived with my dad. We used to play a father/son games. Pin the blame on me, rock, paper, get me another beer, casino night.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
The Great British seagulls, they are fucking huge! You see 'em with feathers rolled up, fucking tattoos. There's always one with a gammy leg. They're on mobile's now. It's like, "Chips, chips, two o' clock." They come up to you and are like, "Oy! Monkey Boy! Giz a fuckin' chip!"
I went to law school. I found it interesting for the first three weeks.
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Once you're heterosexual and comfortable with that, you don't need to take out an announcement every day.
Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.