Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 508
We hate our national anthem. Because it’s “God Save the Queen,” you see?... Now the Queen lives in a very big house. She has barbed wire outside and people with guns in front of that. That’s one saved fucking queen, I’ll tell you!
I never had an aversion because I was active in the drama club. If I had that aversion I certainly wouldn't put myself in the position of being on stage. Of course, in the drama club you're hiding behind a character.
Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.
Gay marriage - I am so against it because all my gay friends are out. And if they get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
I go over to this other area where there's nobody around, and I got into this one thing, but I got into it wrong, apparently. I don't know where your arms and legs are supposed to go, so I just get in there and I just start moving stuff. This guy comes up: 'Hey buddy, would you mind getting out of the painters' scaffolding?'
Somewhere in the world is... The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.
Once you're heterosexual and comfortable with that, you don't need to take out an announcement every day.
We don't want to make them uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like anybody seems to be uncomfortable. We seem to get along.
By the way, could you get that look off your face? 'Cause I'm going a lot further then I'm already at right now. Y'know, you can stand on the curb and get on the bus, but I'm fucking driving.
I love doing stand-up, because it gives me the freedom to say what I really want to say. I think that's why it's my favorite thing to do.
The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. "Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?"
Everywhere I go I get hair in my food. I went to a restaurant last week, two hairs in my soup, two in my lettuce. The waitress comes out and says, “Can I get you anything else?’ “Yeah, how about a comb for the salad?”
Live life to the fullest everyday, 'cause we never know what day will be our last.