Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 510

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

I’m the co-author of two relatively popular relationship books…Because of that I’m asked questions quite a bit… Questions about the relationships the person is in. Generally, it’s a woman. Generally, the answers are pretty easy. “I’ve been seeing this guy, Greg. And he doesn’t call.” He doesn’t like you. That’s it. We don’t have to say any more… They’ll say, “Greg, my boyfriend is married…” Say that back to yourself.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"

Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

I met this girl... very aggressively... I just walked up to her and I said "Who are you? I have to know who you are." It's a good opener, but you can't sustain that level of excitement. Later on chicks start complaining the relationship doesn't have that much drive anymore. You have to remind them, "I'm the guy who ran up and said "Who are you?" And they always say "Well, you never do that anymore." And you have to say "Yes, and I still don't know who you are.

I would like it if men had to partake in the same hormonal cycles to which we’re subjected monthly.  Maybe that’s why men declare war so often, they have this need to bleed on a regular basis.

The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, "Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?" He's like, "I hope you die first."

I like going into nature and that's where I'm happiest.

I guess he wanted to see a little more sexual activity because in real life, in bed I think less is more and let the woman come to me. Frankly, I don't even need a woman there.

If you want to test cosmetics, why do it on some poor animal who hasn't done anything? They should use prisoners who have been convicted of murder or rape instead. So, rather than seeing if perfume irritates a bunny rabbit's eyes, they should throw it in Charles Manson's eyes and ask him if it hurts.

I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

The only thing domestic about me is I was born in this country.

You may not think I'm a sex symbol, but I became a father at the age of 48. Now young people think of me as a mini-folk hero because it's difficult for them to believe a man of my age is sexually active.