Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 511
Ain't no black people don't fuck with no bombs. We don't fit that profile. 'Cause you've got to be on time with a bomb.
I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.
If you wish to achieve any success in this life, do your best to surround yourself with an orgy of good choices.
Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!
One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.
There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.
Someone called all the newspapers in New York and told them I'd died. I've been told by almost everyone it was an ex-wife - I've had a few so it's hard to pinpoint which one - but who knows for sure?
Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. "Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!"
In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.
Getting plastic surgery in your late 70's, it's kind of like painting your house as the fire approaches. Just die, there's no shame in it.
Your sins are what make you fantastic. It’s what makes you alive. You should wear your sins on your sleeve. You should be trying to top your sins on a daily basis.
I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?