Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 511
That’s the one thing I have over any twenty-one-year-old: a proud history of accumulated neuroses. That's the game in which I'm da man.
I thought I was a father once. But then they did a blood test on the baby and the baby died.
I always thought marketing in general was an interesting kind of thing. I always liked commercials and billboards.
My wife said "I want to sell the house and buy a yacht". I said "What!? You do realise I live here? Comedian, Scottish guy. There's 3 kids over there, each have their own rooms. C'mon, I'll show you, they live here too."
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
I'm a big guy, but I'm really simple with the food. I'll hit the In-N-Out or just the regular buffets.
Well, the way things are going, aside from wheat and auto parts, America's biggest export is now the Oscar.
She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.
See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
We can place a product, virtually any size, in almost any location. It really depends on what the program and the video in each individual episode provides in terms of a logical or contextual background.
I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
I don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.