Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 520
I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
She goes, 'No, this is really good for his immune system.' I said 'Two years? I think at this time, we can safely dunk him in a bucket of polio.'
Spontaneous, clever, specific, oblique and at the same time very human.
Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'
Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."
I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.
Thanksgiving is a holiday that brought together two different cultures. The pilgrims came here with the best intentions. They decided to flee an oppressive people and move to a new land. Where they thrived. And became an oppressive people. You get certain people on the same continent, there's going to be a problem. Pilgrims and Indians. Protestants, Catholics. My family, anybody else's family.
The Mayor of Hong Kong, who said "Can't work today. Have American flu." Never got a dinner!
Onstage, I'm still wearing my fabulous, sheer dresses because I'm not that big.
I started out in this industry with standup comedy and it got me to the movies, but it’s something I love to do and it’s something I’m enjoying coming back to.
I did whatever it takes to do stand-up. There is an abundance of material in struggling and poverty and trying to make it. There is so much humor in that, it's unlimited.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.