Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 521
There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.
Alexander Graham Bell’s wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, "Your three minutes are up." Never got a dinner!
Sometimes you get the sense that the Creator is getting to that point of "Yeah, we might have to reboot."
I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.
Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?
Without liberals we wouldn't have unions. We wouldn't have environmental protections. We wouldn't have seat belts or birth control or the ACLU! Any of these things!
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking - its nothing to brag about. And those who preach faith, and enable it, and elevate it, are our intellectual slaveholders - keeping mankind in a bondage to fantasy and nonsense that has spawned and justified so much lunacy and destruction.
You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.
We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.
I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.