Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 519
I just got punked by a homeless man, he asked me 4 some $ so I gave him $5..this bitch had the nerve 2 say "WTF am I suppose 2 do with this" I then said "Get sumthin 2 eat" he then said "I don't want 2 eat no fucking fast food shit, that shit will have me shitting on the streets"
I went out with a guy the other night. He ordered a salad. I’m sorry, if you ordered a salad as an appetizer, your main course is a cock.
This year, I just might achieve my goal of losing interest in absolutely everything. Not that I care...
I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.
Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.
A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.
We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.
One of the best pieces of advice my mother gave me was "Make your bed in other people's homes. That way you get invited back."
All of your life you were crazy about cars, I guess that's why you turned out to be such a crank.
Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you’ll never see the same show twice, because I don’t like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.
It's lunch time in the Diamond District. All the stores close down and the street is filled with chasidim, who suddenly find themselves caught in Yidlock.