Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 525
This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.
I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
Human beings are human beings. They say what they want, don't they? They used to say it across the fence while they were hanging wash. Now they just say it on the Internet.
"Yo, yo, hear me out" is rarely ever followed by a reasonable, well articulated argument.
I was worried if I got my driver’s license I’d start winning all the NASCAR races.
People kill me about being a big guy. They always asking me dumb questions… Every time I breathe in, they’re like, “Why you breathing so hard?’ “So I can live!”
By shrewdly linking procreation to an act likely to make you stupid with excitement, God has seen to it that Life does indeed go on. It's possible, by the way, that this is why God's name comes up so often in the middle of the act; it's a salute to the author: "Hey, whoever made this up - thanks."
Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.
To be honest with you, when I got into this I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me. I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.