Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 525

I live in L.A. Now.

4th of July is the perfect holiday if you think America has too many fingers...

I gambled at the crap table all night and finally lost $8, but during that time the house gave me four drinks and two cigars, so it was still a lot cheaper than renting a room.

We can place a product, virtually any size, in almost any location. It really depends on what the program and the video in each individual episode provides in terms of a logical or contextual background.

At the risk bragging, one of the things I’m best at is riding coattails. Behind every successful man is me, smiling and taking partial credit.

One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.

I've grown tired of resting on my laurels and have decided to start resting on my failures.

And even though this marker smelt like an asshole and you just saw Jesus's eyes, there was still a kid following you around. "Can I smell? Can I smell? What does it smell? I didn't get a..." "Can I..." And then he would aggravate you until you were like "Here, fine, smell it!" And when he leaned in, you go "A-ha-ha-ha-ha, nice face!" "I'm going to go puke blood! What are you? What are you?!"

She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.

I think pimp, therefore I am.

Some authors write in first person and others write in third person. But I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: 'I heard from this guy who told somebody....'

Maybe it's weird, but I don't feel in any way, shape or form that I'm taking over his show.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.

Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, "Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party."