Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.

I do have hair; the hair is just not everywhere. I realize it's really just at the holes: my nose, my ears, my butt. I'm like a tub: just sheer white porcelain, and then a clump of hair at the drain.

Everything is awesome... Everything is cool when you're a part of a team...

However, even under the best of circumstances, four-year graduation rates for the next few years will be substantially lower than those in the three provinces.

I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying, "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

I love running cross country... On a track, I feel like a hamster.

I couldn't play off people that I don't personally like.

I’m still working on my time machine. If I ever perfect it, I’m going back in time to prevent Ace Ventura 2 from being made. And then I’m going after Hitler.

Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.

I write all the time - I write poetry, I love to write.

Men want to make women happy.

We've had some fun tonight... considering we're all gonna die someday.

Don't mess with me, man, I'm a lawyer!

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?