Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 524
Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
People say get a job doing something you love. So far no one has offered to hire me to eat Whoppers with a switchblade.
Making love to a woman is like buying real estate: location, location, location.
The odd thing about comedy is that the more personal you are, the larger the audience.
There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.
We're putting a face on something that a lot of people don't understand, ... And we want to give people some information before they make up their minds and judge us.
I couldn't tell people what I wanted to do because I was from Atlanta. You don't tell people you're gonna be a comedian in Atlanta. That means you ain't gonna do nothing.
Every time you see a black romance it's over-the-top. There always has to be extreme hostility between the sexes. He has to cheat. She has to show him how independently strong she is, not just as a woman but as a black woman.
Going to church no more makes you a Christian than standing in a garage makes you a car.
After Joe Wilson's outburst, everyone was shocked. Because usually when a politician shoots off his mouth and makes a fool of himself, his name is Joe Biden. But even Biden said he was embarrassed by Wilson's behavior. This is Joe Biden we're talking about. Joe Biden saying it's embarrassing is like an Australian bartender saying you've had too much to drink.
Nela - can you come and disinfect this please. I don't want our customers complaining that our fruit tastes like New Zealanders.
People say to me, “Oh, Bill, leave them alone. They’re so good, and so clean-cut, and they’re such a good image for the children.” Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children listening to people who fucking rocked! I don’t care if they died in pools of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking heart! “Mommy, the man Bill told me to listen to has a blood bubble on his nose.” Shut up and listen to him play!