Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 526

Time flies, though, huh? But I feel young. And do you know how I stay feeling young, ladies and gentlemen? I'll share my secret with you: I live in a senior citizen retirement community.

Regis and I were inducted into the original Bronx Walk of Fame.

You want to track Hollywood careers, look in the real estate section. You see a guy buy a house that costs $6 million, and you can literally start counting the days until he starts doing crappy movies.

I tried to contact Johnny to reconcile our friendship, a million times, but he just wasn't having it. When he passed away, I felt such a crushing blow, that things were still unresolved. Johnny was a dear friend, I wish things would've ended different, this just was not worth it.

My way of making people like me was to make 'em laugh.

The mind is the only weapon that doesn't need a holister.

It was tumultuous, it was crazy, but I would not trade it for anything.

"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

It's easier to rip somebody to shreds while you're making them laugh.

Humanity is what happened when aliens fucked apes.

Hello. And welcome to Whose Line is it Anyway?, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada.

Now, we're Americans. Technically, who is from this country? Only the Indians, who we graciously let dwell on their native casinos.

Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.