Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh. Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
I think what I would say to my younger self, and probably to younger, just starting-out writers is that a lot of times you're just afraid to put yourself out there, and it's uncomfortable because it's working up the courage to do something, to push yourself to do those things.
Marijuana: why forget something tomorrow when you can forget it today?
The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.
It's hip to be square. Remember that shitty song by that shitty band 20 motherfucking years ago?
Allowances can always be made for your friends to disagree with you. Disagreement, vehement disagreement, is healthy. Debate is impossible without it. Evil does not question itself. Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken.
You knew at some point that he was supposed to win. He had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He's tall, good looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic and, most importantly, he was the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. 'Cause you all know if that nigger was Bernie Mac black or 'Precious' purple, he wouldn't have won. He's like coffee with cream; it goes down easy. You ever have coffee black? It's too strong.