Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are. You're denying it right now: "I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next?"

The only place success comes before is in the dictionary.

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Southwest Airlines is like my period: it hurts my back and it's always late.

I should just keep my mouth shut, but I can’t… because I’m so fucking funny.

My parents were very old world. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

He's really committed... to being an alcoholic, and I respect that.

We claim we believe in compassion, which is an abstract, and when it's personified we discredit the man.

I think bears and worms aren’t very similar… until you think of gummy.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

"Do you love me for me"?... I don't even love me for me.

I know change can be painful. But from change comes growth.

There are three states of legality in Irish law. There is all this stuff which comes under That's grand, then it moves into Ah now don't push it, and finally it comes under Right now you're takin the piss, and that's when the police come in.