Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 530

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

I was driving down the highway and I saw a sign that said: Live Nude Girls. And I was thinking, you probably don't need the 'live.' I wasn't even thinking about the girls' mortality until you brought it up.

I always enjoyed Carlin for turning the tables on culture. He is an excellent writer that has endured for decades.

Beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. It's about knowing and accepting who you are.

I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.

Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!

A song can take you to a special time in your life.

Nobody ever wins an argument. Nobody ever goes, 'Oh, I'm wrong.' Somebody eventually just goes, 'Shut up. We gotta eat, so let's shut up for minute.'

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

This is the most exciting place in the world to live. Oh yeah! There are so many ways to die in New York City! Race riots, drive by shootings, subway crashes, construction cranes collapsing on the sidewalks, manhole covers blowing up and asbestos shooting into the sky.

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house.

As you can see, I speak many languages, including the language of sex.

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

That's what I take pride in in my stand-up, is changing things up. Being special.