Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 531
If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?
It's just weird that out of nowhere God said, "May the three best-looking guys in Hollywood have babies - Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and me". It was bizarre that God said, "I want to make the planet more beautiful", and I got the call.
I was actually on two reality shows, which is crazy. Just to think that, out there, there was some guy, like flipping through the channels, being like, 'Hey, I 69'd her on a cruise ship.'
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
My mama would say, “Y’all quit. Don’t make me stop this car.”<br /> “You’re not in the car, Mama. You’re in a hammock with a jelly glass of scotch in your hand.
The floor is lava! That's the lava game, when you pretend that the floor is lava and you climb up on all the furniture. I see some of you don't get that. I don't care, that's okay. You might have called it something else, but it meant the same thing; you were poor. I'd tell my mom, "I want a Nintendo." and she'd reply "The floor is lava!" "What's wrong with our house? Why can't we afford better carpeting? It's called two jobs, bitch!" That's how I used to talk. I was very street.
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
I starred in a Broadway play that was Sidney Poitier's first directing job and the cast was Lou Gossett, Cicely Tyson, Diana Ladd and I played a Jewish kid who offered himself as a slave to two Columbia University students as reparations.
I usually meet people at my doctors' offices because I go all the time. It's embarrassing. Like at the skin doctor last week, in the lobby, the nurse said, 'Hi Mr. Lewis. Do you still have that rash on your behind?'
I always get nervous with that one test. "Tell me the exact moment point A is directly over point B." "Now! No, now! Now! Then! I don't know I don't know." I'm afraid if I get it off by an eighth of a second I'll get these big, hubble coming attraction glasses. "You must have messed up that A B test!" "Did I ever! Hence the corrective spectacles."
There's gratification in making somebody laugh. It's a wonderful sound. I find myself, to this day, doing it, wanting to make people laugh.
I always appreciated my teachers. When I was 16, I gave them the greatest gift I could think of. I dropped out of school.