Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 531

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

In the Bible, God made it rain for 40 days and 40 nights. That's a pretty good summer for us in Wales. That's a hosepipe ban waiting to happen. I was eight before I realised you could take a kagoule off

At some point I stopped stand-up because I didn't have something to say on a nightly basis.

I wanted to give the house back to the parents.

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

It's very simple. There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

I only do two things in my life, and that's take care of my kids and work. Fortunately, these are my favorite things to do, so it works out.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

It's a real Strad, you know. If it isn't I'm out one hundred and ten dollars. The reason I got it so cheap is that it's one of the few Strads made in Japan.

I don't know what I'd do if anything ever happened to my girlfriend. But first, I'd probably burn my clothes.

Every Thanksgiving, I like to invite the less fortunate over to my place for a great big dinner. And give them the wrong address.