Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 535
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, "I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
I'm the only person I know of who's ever been pulled over for attempted speeding.
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.
You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I-- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup - that's it!
?I don’t think Al Sharpton will be president of anything, except for The Association of Greasy Mother Fuckers. Zing, Al Sharpton. Don’t fuck with me.
People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, 'Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there 'cause as soon as you get there, they kill you.' That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away... That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day.