Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 535

Hors D'oeuvre: A ham sandwich cut into forty pieces.

This character feels so much like my brother. He has two children. He has a wife. He works with me. He chooses to stay in New Hampshire because he wants his kids to grow up in the school they started with. He doesn't want them to lose friends. He is his family's hero.

I want to see gay couples stuck with their significant other at Home Depot with that far away look in their eye, get me out of here.

I have no detectable hair style.

NASA! There's a crack unit, huh? These guys make Amtrak look like a team of micro surgeons. The Soviets are building Chuck E Cheeses' on Mars, we break out the party hats if we get down to three in the countdown.

Valentine's Day: the holiday that reminds you that if you don't have a special someone, you're alone.

One of my life goals is to be a best man. It’s a baller position. You get drunk, you make speeches, and you make love to the prettiest bridesmaid. Usually standing from behind.

It’s just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.

Terrorists, oh I’m sorry, Fox News tells us it’s all illegal immagration’s fault but it’s not their fault, it’s ours.

Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

If you make waffles, throw out the first one.

I hope that nothing ever wussifies me to deny my own personal beliefs. Brainwashed wussies have been taught that standing up for yourself and defending your personal point of view makes you a close-minded hate monger. One must also be respectful of dissenting belief while supporting their own.

We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.