Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 535
On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.
Every day you need to look yourself in the mirror and say, 'Don't be talking to yourself in the mirror today, you're alone in your house.'
I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.
There’s a very fine line between giving someone the Heimlich maneuver and dry-humping a stranger.
According to my local hip-hop station everyone has garnish wages, child support, liens and wants to buy or rent rims. Ya Heard!
I have the kind of show that reminds you of your problems, and then I talk about other problems you didn't even know you had until tonight.
My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.
My father was the kind of guy who'd always say 'Throw out any subject and I got a joke on it.'
I'm not big on Halloween. I never have been. As a kid my parents would send me out to collect for UNICEF, which just screws up the whole holiday. You're wearing a costume and people are giving you pennies and you're going, "Well, give me some candy, you fuck." And the grown-ups tell you, "Absolutely not. You've got your pennies. Now go build a village, you little shit." It still brings a tear to my eye.
When you're at a comedy club, if you're not funny, you don't work. People will let you know, whether it's by booing or yelling for you to get out of the club. People are drunk or whatever and they'll let you have it.
I am also huddling with creative advisers and studying the possibility of calling it The.