Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 536

One of the most beautiful things in the world I've ever seen or heard is people laughing, even when there seems to be so little reason for them to laugh.

They put me in Special Ed because they thought I was slow, but I stayed in Special Ed for the ladies.

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.

She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.

Anyone who would laugh at a recital is probably some sort of lunatic anyway. I mean, only a sick, twisted mind could be that rude and ignorant.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies.

I have short-term memory loss, though I like to think of it as Presidential eligibility.

Nothing funny happened to me on the way to the theater tonight, so good night.

I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

I've always thought that if my death was imminent, I would read. When I can't focus on a book, I tend to keep reading the same page. My guess is, I would've read, like the first page of Nicholas Nickleby over and over again.