Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 536
I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.
Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
So because of my act my daughter thinks she can talk to me about anything. She's been dating the same guy since high school and they go to the same college, and she calls me up one night and says "Dad, I wanted to talk to you about Steve." And all I can think is if she tells me she took it up the ass I'm gonna drop dead on the phone. I mean what do you say to that "Daddy, I don't like it in the butt." Yeah, you and your mom both. So she says "Dad, you know Steve and I have been together for a while, and he was wondering what it would be like to go all the way." So I said "Maybe I'll fuck him then he won't have to wonder anymore." See Steve that's what it's like to go all the way... would you stop crying?
To be successful in life, there are many hurdles you have to get over. For me, the biggest hurdle to success has always been failure. But, growing up, my Dad was always positive... that I'd never amount to anything.
I was sitting in the toilet and I was by myself. I was tired of playing with the roller, so I said I'd better write a book.
Everyone has the same kind of fears; everyone has the same big problems in the world, which is, like, fear of death and 'I hope horrible things don't happen to my family,' but they do. And I think people laugh at them as this great release.
Henry Ford, who despite his immense wealth never owned a Cadillac. Never got a dinner!
Marie-Antoinette, who said to Louis, "Not tonight – this is my last headache." Never got a dinner!
I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
Barack's in office; it feels good to be black now. When O.J. was in court it did not feel good to be black. People like, 'Are you black?' I'm like, 'I'm Creole, get out of my face.'