Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 534

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

I’ve made 30 movies and for the most part my movies work. In a business where success is an exception and not the rule, I’ve mostly been successful.

I keep telling people I’ll make movies until I’m fifty and then I’ll go and do something else. I’m going to be a professional gentleman of leisure.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.

I'm feeling very vindicated that, when I see the audiences laughing and being moved, we were right.

He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

I want to do movies that mean something, that make people laugh and cry great movies, period-piece movies and work with the best people out there, who bring the best out of me.

Friends? I see... I have the perfect song for you. "No one with a penis is really your friend, they say they are but it's all pretend, he listens to your problems every time he phones you, but he's really not, he just wants to bone you!"

Now that I have children, I realize taking care of my children is more fun than anything in the whole world.

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

I think it's really funny watching all the people that have been booted off The Apprentice trying to pretend as if they respect the two guys that are still there. They obviously think these two guys are jackasses.