Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 534

I know that most domesticated animals aren't indigenous to this country. So guess what, cat? You can beat it. Go back to Catalina Island or Catalonia, Spain, or Katmandu, or wherever the hell your hairy ass is from! 'Cause this is America and around here - Katmandon't.

They should raise the alcohol age to 60, so at least you'd have something to look forward to at this point.

Oh, get the fuck outta here! Just 'cause I'm a convict, every thin' that comes outta my mouth is a god damn lie?

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

I ain't never been in no cell that had a phone in it. Can I stay for a while? I ordered some pizza.

I think girls hate each other, no doesn't always mean no, you have to lie to stay married, women's sports are boring and the Olympics are gay.

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

I was doing gigs to stay alive. I worked two or three jobs at a time, there were times when I stayed up for 36 hours straight. I slept in shopping mall parking lots. A stand-up gig paid $35; then I could eat for another few days until the next gig. Literally, I was performing to live.

I do jokes about the specific guys in the steroids scandal. I feel bad for the guys who did steroids and still suck.

I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

So they bother you with it, they bother you with it, they bother you with it. Finally you say, "Gimme the damn present." You open it up and it's dumb. Lucky for you, now you got a couple days, take it back to the store, get something else, so when your mother comes over she don't see you're still married to an idiot!

Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.