Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 543
What shall we call our son so he does not get the shit kicked out of him at school? We shall call him Englebert Humperdink! Yes, that'll work.
In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”
I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) ... "Get away from 'em!"
I'm going to pull him in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. And I'm gonna say to him, "Boy, look at me. You see that little girl right there? She's my only little girl, man. She's my life. So if you have any thoughts about huggin', or kissin', you remember these words: 'I've got no problem going back to prison.'"
My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!
You know your getting older when you lay in bed til 10am and think to yourself "god I just wasted half the day".
It's never good to change yourself for someone else. Unless you really suck.
On stage and in person, I think I am nice, thoughtful, and empathetic. But for some reason when I'm online, I become super aggressive and unhinged. I should probably get off of Twitter and see a therapist.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.
But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.
If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born.
Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.