Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544
He went from looking like a Greek god to becoming Buddha: quiet, contained, but so powerful... And he's such a fighter. I thought, "He's going to the hospital, he'll be OK, he'll come out."
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.
Here's the rule that I set for myself, and I believe it - even on a show like 'Curb Your Enthusiasm': the more personal you are, the wider your audience.
Mel: What was your name again?<br /> <br /> Rain: Rain.<br /> <br /> Mel: Oh that's nice. Kind of like bad weather.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
Avoid people who say they know the answer. Keep the company of people who are trying to understand the question.
I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.
I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn’t writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people’s moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.
If you’re a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.
Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.