Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544
The Pursuit of Happiness: It sure seems to like a good chase, doesn’t it?
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
The fumes are killing us, and we wonder why things are going haywire.
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
Mm-mm, no, thank you, no, I don't want an enchilaaadaaa. Nor do I want a burr-eye-to. Or a tay-co. Or any other bizarre, unneccessary vowel substitutions.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
Diamonds are forever, but touching our clit can buy you two or three years.
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
When I got into this, I never thought about reviews. I never thought about what people would say about me, I was just a young guy who was excited to become a comedian and an actor, and I just wanted to get to do what I got to do.
My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, "You need to meet other people."
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.