Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 544

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

Whenever you are single, all you see are couples, but whenever you are a couple, all you see are hookers.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my 87 birthday. I tell them a paternity suit.

One man's Voltaire is another man's Screech.

The average American's day planner has fewer holes in it than Ray Charles's dart board.

I'm off to the gym. Replacing good character with good looks is a cornerstone of my comeback stratagem.

I always want to go back and do stand-up; I like the freedom.

My mom told me she thinks a man in the market felt her up today. I asked, "Where did he touch you?" She said, "On my knee, Bobby."

I love key lime pie, although it's never made the proper way.

If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?

The only thing I miss from the sitcom format is that immediate gratification of when you're, if we're talking about comedy, of the live audience.

I'm living in a very modest place. I have a room over-looking beautiful Claridge's Hotel. I thought it was better than paying Claridge's prices and overlooking the dump I'm living in.