Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 547

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?

Hi, I'm a buck tooth and I like to be outside past the lips.

This guy asked his doctor, 'Will I be able to play the piano after my operation?' And the doctor says 'Sure.' And the guy says, 'Funny, I couldn't do it before.'

If I get to Heaven and God is white, I'd be like, 'I knew it all along. Show me to the hood.' But if I get to Heaven and God is black, that's going to piss me off a little bit. I'd be like, 'Ain't this a bitch? You've been black all along? Ain't you been seeing what the hell's going on down there?'

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

[about smoke alarms] You burn a bit of toast and it goes *nuts!*

I wanted her in a bad way, though I wasn’t sure exactly for what. Had she one day suddenly turned and yelled, “Jam it in!” at me, I’m not convinced I’d have known what to do.

They didn’t invent eavesdropping for compliments.

"Sex" and "obscenity" are not synonymous.

Religion is just mind control.

The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

This place makes Mayberry look like a think tank.

I know every time I fly, I get checked twice: they stop me at security, and then, they get me again at the gate. And last time, it was so bad, they actually made me go through the machine with the luggage.

My favorite item that you cannot bring on the plane anymore: brass knuckles. That is adorable. It’s the two thousands, who is walking around with black knuckles. “Be on the lookout for two oldtimey gangsters heading to the gates. They answer to the names Bruiser and Crusher.”