Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 548
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
It’s funny because when I was younger my voice would rise when I would talk on the microphone. Now it is sort of like a character for me, a more animated version of myself and my voice is 10 times up from my regular self.
I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
I want to see gay couples stuck with their significant other at Home Depot with that far away look in their eye, get me out of here.
Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.
It's easier to do comedy with an audience, because their reactions tell you whether or not what your saying qualifies as comedy.
Hey, don't waste cheese. If you're going to waste food, throw a vegetable.
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.