Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 548
Children are fucking animals, man... you don't believe me, put a three year old alone in a room with a kitten for an hour unattended.
Just be your authentic self because there's nothing sexier or more beautiful than that.
If we were truly created by God, why do we occasionally bite the insides of our mouths?
When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.
There's one of those adverts that sort of says 'There are more germs on your chopping board than on your loo seat.' To which the answer is, 'well clearly that's fine, then.'
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
Never ever discount the idea of marriage. Sure, someone might tell you that marriage is just a piece of paper. Well, so is money, and what's more life-affirming than cold, hard cash?
You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."