Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 546

If this is airing in the future and no one knows who Karl Rove is, he's the reason you all live underground.

She had Nick Lachey’s body, a deep voice, very small boobies, and a crew cut. It would have come as no surprise if she had walked into the backyard to compete in a rock-hurling competition after dinner.

He did apologise for the Spanish Inquisition. He said it was far too inquisitive. Supposed to be the Spanish Casual Chat.

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

Purple and gold tigers don't really enter my world unless I've been up for a couple of days.

I have a position of indirect respect and oblique power.

Do you think we care about the feelings of Native Americans when we celebrate Columbus Day? That's the day that the white man discovered a land where Indians had been living for a few thousand years.

Come back here, so that I may brain thee!

I find it ironic that people who are against things that cause sexual thoughts are generally fundamentalist Christians who also believe you should be fruitful and multiply.

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Coffee doesn't need a menu, it needs a cup! That's all it needs! Maybe a saucer underneath the cup - that's it!

It's so much easier to be cynical.