Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 546
It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.
Next to fat babies, midgets are my favorite things to hold. I love them so much, and I want to help them to do adult things like drive cars, Jet-Ski, and lip-synch. I’m in awe of their little limbs, their large craniums, and their medicine-ball asses. I love the little baby steps they take while shifting their weight from side to side, and the fact that when you knock one over accidentally, he flails like a turtle on its back that can’t get up right away.
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.
I just knew it was time to leave that thing where it was. Even though I still occasionally think about it, I still think I did it the right way. It was the correct type of ending. By which I mean it came a little sooner than people were expecting...was such a wonderful experience for me. It wasn't even the thing I thought I was going to have a talent for. I just fell in with the perfect group of people and everything about it was sort of miraculous.
We have to get out there and touch the people and let them know that you are thinking about them and to try and lift their spirits and get awareness out there to the rest of the country.
I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
Don't let anyone try to tell you who you are. Define yourself.
If there was a God, don't you think he would have flicked Hitler's head off?
I used to watch 'The Waltons' and sob because my family was nothing like that. We had a cruel sense of humor in my family.
Hulk Hogan’s wife has filed for divorce. This is the most devastating breakup since Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee. And then Pam Anderson and Kid Rock. And soon, Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon.
I’ve always wanted to do more significant stuff. I think of myself as well-informed, but the hardest thing to do is talk about politics and current events and be funny and not just preachy.