Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 565
The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.
Sometimes the only solution is figuring out a bigger problem to focus on.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
Dont give me that shit that weeds a drug. It aint no motherfuckin drug. Ive done the research. Its just a plant. It just grows like that. And if you just happen to set it on fire there are some effects.