Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 565

Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.

When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.

I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this (tilts glasses sideways) ... "Get away from 'em!"

I'm watching some television tonight. I'm watching The Discovery Channel. You know, this channel, you never ever plan on watching this. It just happens. You're flickin' around, all of a sudden - boom - you're watching a mole for an hour-and-a-half.

They didn’t invent eavesdropping for compliments.

How far can we go? How much can we absorb and still have some peace of mind?

The worst is feeling worthless.

Kids need to be educated about sex and sexuality and if they're going to have sex, learn how to protect themselves and not get pregnant.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.

I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.