Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 566
Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
I didn’t realize how good I was with technology until I met my parents… my dad told me “you’re good; you should be a computer programmer.” I said, “You’re bad… you should be a caveman”
My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing.
The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.
I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have.
Arlene and I have to get a divorce. She thinks I'm a pervert because I drank our water bed.
The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.
I read this on the Internet - did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?
I'm fascinated by mankind. I grew up watching 'Candid Camera' and thought it was funnier than any standup, any joke, anything that could possibly be written because you're dealing with humanity. And people can relate to that. It touches everybody who sees it. It hits a nerve.