Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 566
And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.'
Oh man, I get a lot of junk email. Isn't it annoying? Clutters everything up. I'm starting to sense a theme, though. Apparently, there's a lot of people out there that want to make my penis three inches longer.
You probably won’t get laid at your prom. Try, because this may be one of the last chances…where it’s cool to have sex with a high school girl.
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".
If you get a ticket, you can go to traffic school, and they make you watch movies for like eight hours: head-on collisions, mannequins flying out the windshield. At the end of the movie, the instructor goes, 'Now what have we learned by this?' Never let a mannequin drive your car.
I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.
It would be kinda embarrassing trying to explain what an appetizer is to someone from a starving country though. "Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food."