Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564

(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.

Christmas is a time for joy, love and peace. And frothing hot vengeance that will never cease. So no matter the volume of fussing you fuss or the wide angry streams of cussing you cuss, your fate is sealed when in mussing you muss with the nastiest of nasties, the Kenge. Well, Ken Titus.

Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.

The worst is feeling worthless.

I've got a big closet of scripts, and a big stack of scripts on the side of my desk, because you get a whole bunch. Nothing's going to be perfect, and I realize that; but I am a perfectionist, so you go through a lot of stuff.

Howard's unbelievably nutty, politically incorrect style is probably the single biggest influence on me.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.

A condom is a rubber thing shaped like a wiener that hums.

I just feel like history is very much alive and important and I don’t, you know, I can’t worry about whether people get it or not, per se.

And if I can take part in it by transforming my own consciousness, then someone else's, I'm happy to do it.

Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.

Having a baby, it's like a five year commitment.

Maybe a silver lining to growing old is being able to watch Usual Suspects for the first time, again.

You are not a nerd you're just an asshole with glasses on.