Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 564
I just thought everybody lived around abandoned buildings and crack-heads. I lived in the ghetto until I was like 19. I came to Los Angeles, stayed at hotels and stuff. When I got back and I saw what my neighborhood looked like, I started getting scared.
The only way I would go back to hosting would be if it were something entirely new. It would prevent me from wanting to host a standard-fare kind of talk show.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
My black-eye and fat lip suggests that 'up the backside'... was definitely the wrong answer, when my girlfriend asked me 'where are you taking me for my birthday?'
My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.
Nonetheless, I put the phone down feeling guilty. I mean, I picked it up feeling guilty, I feel perpetually guilty, but I put it down feeling guiltier.
A polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the fuck is that?'
What best defines a child is the total inability to receive information from anything not plugged in.