Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 594

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

I know what people laugh at. I know their vocabulary.

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

Kippers : fish that like a lot of sleep.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I would do a nude scene, sure, if they ever made the movie "Flat Ass Comes to Town!"

I know you people, you're the smart ones. You're not the ones going down the freeway with a seatbelt hanging out the door makin' sparks. You're not the ones goin' over the overpass with the turn signal on. Where are they gonna turn? You almost wish they would.

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.